Happy Birthday to me. On November 3, 2016 I admitted myself into Adcare hospital in Worcester, Massachusetts. For 10 days prior I did nothing but drink alcohol from the moment I got up until I went to sleep. I had to our my heart would have stopped. I would roll out of bed in the morning sick as a dog vomiting hanging over my toilet. Praying to God that I could just die. After about an hour and a half, if I didn’t have something to drink, I thought that I was going to stop breathing. They said I was one of the worst cases of alcoholism they had seen all year at the hospital. By the time I arrived my blood pressure was so high they thought I was going to have a stroke. So they induced me into a coma to save my life for the next three days and I don’t remember a thing. It was like like being dead. When I woke up I laid in bed knowing that my life had to change or I would commit suicide.
I was so ashamed, so embarrassed, and so angry. Why would anybody hate themselves so much that they would slowly poison themselves until they bled out of their mouth, eyes, and ears? Slowly shut down their heart and lungs. I’m telling you, there is no more shameful way to die than being an alcoholic. When the effects of the alcohol wore off, which took about a week, I experienced the most excruciating pain I ever have felt in my entire life. My chronic pain hit me like never before. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t bend over. I couldn’t sit down. It was like I had been stabbed by a butcher knife all over my body. My skin hurt. The rest of 2016 I hid from the world. I laid in my bed for 90 days with everything sealed shut. No Internet. All I did was take clients to pay my bills and the rest of the time I was in my bed.
Everything I thought was important I didn't give a fuck about anymore. I didn’t give a fuck about being a vegan, I ate whenever I needed to. I decided I was going to either live my life or die, and I wasn’t ready to die yet. Getting the alcohol out of your system and surviving alcohol poisoning is the easy part. If you’re going to get sober you have to realize that you have to live your life without alcohol, forever. alcohol became its own entity, its own demon that had taken control over me. When you decide that you have to stop drinking you have to put it down and you have to walk away from it. You can never look back. You can’t even allow that idea I thought to come into your head or it’s over for you. I wanted to offer some suggestions if you’re trying to quit drinking that helped me.
Ice cream. I was a health fanatic for years, a vegan for a while, and everything else. Sugar free. One night after I had quit drinking I was laying in bed and I needed to be comforted. I felt like shit. I asked myself what I could do to make myself feel better just temporarily and my body told me it wanted some ice cream. So I got my ass up, went to the store, and bought some Ben & Jerry’s. I hadn’t eaten Ben & Jerry’s in about 10 years. I ate the whole damn thing! And guess what? I felt great. So I decided if I was upset and I needed some treat to perk me up I was not going to deny myself the right to have some ice cream. And I’ve been eating ice cream ever since, whenever I want. If I’m a little strung out I’ll eat some ice cream. Coffee or mint chocolate chip. The other thing you have to do is prioritize yourself first. Don’t listen to anybody else. Don’t listen to somebody from aAA who wants you to go to meetings. Don’t listen to your mother. Don’t listen to anybody else except yourself and do what you need to do to. I never went to one AA meeting. And I never will because I don’t like them as an organization. I don’t think you need anyone to help you get sober. You can do it on your own. I did. I drank my first wine cooler when I was 6 years old. And I drank until I was 36. Thirty fucking years in slaved. The point is do what you need to do.
What have been the benefits? I know I’ve done a lot of damage to my brain. When I wake up in the mornings I don’t have hangovers that’s amazing! I don’t have a fear of some evil entity gripping me around the throat driving me to pick up a drink... or else. I saved so much money! I cannot believe how much money I saved by quitting drinking, and smoking. I opened 4 businesses in three years from the money I saved not drinking. I have peace of mind. Your body will heal it just takes time.
The hardest part though, is having to live your life sober when the shit hits the fan. That happened to me 2018. I suffered a lot of loss in 2018 and 19 and it was really difficult but not once I thought about picking up a drink. I also have to thank cannabis. Yes I do use medical marijuana. I decided I was going to try it because of my chronic pain and I use that instead of any kind of painkillers. I eat gummy‘s and I use all kinds of cannabis body products that I make for myself. Marijuana is not an addictive plant although it is habit forming. If I would not have started using cannabis, there’s a potential that I might have picked up a drink again. So cannabis has saved me, prayer and meditation has saved me, Yoga has saved me, God and my spirits have saved me. That brings me to my last point.
God exist to me. The world of spirits exist to me. And it’s my belief that my holy guardian angel, and my spirit guides, who have walked with me through these trials and tribulations held me and carried me over the finish line many times. I want thank God for those good entities that walk with me. I thank the council my ancestors.
I thank all of my close friends that have been so kind to me and have helped me. Chris and Bob I love you guys so much. If it were not for your help this past year I would be on the street. Thank you for opening your homes. You saved me. I also want to thank Chuck for being there for me and opening his home. And of course to my Colin, thank you. I am so lucky, I'm the luckiest person you will ever meet. You have to believe in your heart of hearts that things do get better. The best thing you could possibly do for yourself, if you drink, is quit. I thank everybody so much for reading this post thank you for being my Facebook friends. I hope some of the suggestions help. I’m not going to stop I’m just going to keep going. I have so much work to do.
Only powered by the Holy Spirit! Have a great day.
Stay relevant.
Homosexuality is Beautiful and Natural
I had an epic erotic dream this morning. I was so inspired when I opened my eyes all I could say to myself was "God that was so beautiful!" over and over again. So I made a public Facebook status which I am sharing with you below. I did not include the description of my dream. After the status is read I will share it with you.
This post contains explicit language and images. So please be mindful of that when sharing. LOL! I used to never give those kinds of disclaimers but now that I am older I can respect others sensitivities.
Epic Status
Homosexuality is a beautiful and natural expression of love between couples of the same sex. It is so natural that even certain animals mate with others of their sex for lifelong companionship. Bisexuality teaches us that sexual orientation is not black and white but a grey area to be accepted as part of human nature. Sexuality is a range. No one should be forced to perform sex acts that they are not comfortable with or want to engage in freely. No one should be persecuted, attacked, or killed for engaging in the sexual acts they are comfortable with. No human being should be shamed for expressing their sexuality. It is this repression and oppression of what is natural that has caused us to stray so far away from who we truly are as spiritual beings.
We are spirits. In the realm of spirit there is no gender, no orientations, no judgement. We are made of stardust and at the moment of birth we become the manifestation of all that is in the universe. Just as the seeds of the lavender plant germinate, grow, and are harvested we walk the cycle of our life. As the lavender is distilled, it's essence bottled, and becomes pure essential oils so does our spirit elevate with each stage of it's process. Once bottled essential oils bring refreshment, healing, and comfort. What happens to the oil once it goes on your skin? Where does the plants essence go when it is diffused? Where does the oil go when it's evaporated? From seed to essence. A glorious mystery. That's what being an aromatherapist has taught me. That there is no end and no beginning. Just a continuum of consciousness.
I thank the universe everyday that I was born Queer. I don't have a "sexual orientation", and I don't conform to any strict gender roles. I just am who I am and go about my life appreciating the beauty of Nature. My queerness has been a hammer. It has shattered so many lies. Our society is groaning in pain. And that pain is the inability to let go of the patriarchy and oppression that has been inflicted on us by religion. As we continue to shed the anger, fear, and pain Christianity, Islam, and other archaic religions have forced on us the healing process will be long. Those who want to cling to those beliefs will continue to cycle through their own personal hells.
So let it go. Teach others to let it go. Love your friends and family. Like a wisdom teacher admonished love your enemies also. But open up your mind. Move beyond the forms. Whatever you believe in... is probably wrong. The Universe is so vast. How could anyone be so egotistical to claim to speak on God's behalf? Have a good day and you're welcome.
So now about this dream. I do not remember exactly how it began but I ended up at the baths. There was showers and a hot tub in a relatively small room. But I like that. I like getting sexually active with men in very in closed environments, especially if it's sealed off and dark. I know that sounds creepy! It's not to me. I gravitate to the locker room sex acts in the showers, steam rooms, and saunas. So do a lot of other men, so I know I am not alone. Locker room cruising and play is and has always been my "thing". Anyway I found myself sharing a hot tub with three other boys. I say boys because I was younger in my dream, actually like my teenage self. Surprisingly two of the other boys were men I know in real life, Rasta and Andrew. Rasta is a famous dancer that I was close friends with in my early teens and Andrew was my childhood best friend. But we all seemed to be between the ages of 16-18. The fourth boy was a beauty, his looks and physique far exceeding the rest of us. Swimmers build, dark eyes, dark hair, and a banana cock that stood straight up when erect. Marvelous to look at. We did not have sex in the dream, we were mutually masturbating in the tub, kissing, holding each other, and generally being lazy boys. My feelings were complex of course! I felt like these guys were my brothers although all unrelated and at the same time lovers who freely shared our attention and erotic bodies with each other. Deep emotions stirring from deep within. This was the first time I had a dream like this in a long time.
The most profound moment in the dream occured when our young beautiful boy got out of the tub to admire himself in a mirror. He was soapy and washing his hair or something. I lay between Rasta and Andrew in the hot tub snuggled. I was fondling Andrew's cock in amusement. To see my boyhood friend nude, erect, and erotic was mesmerizing. Then he said "look at him". My gaze turned to our beautiful friend. With his arms raised over head, dripping wet, skin flushed from the heat, he looked like a Greek god. Andrew said "I love looking at his ass". As I admired his ass the boy turned around to show off his manhood. It was erect, perfect in shape, and bobbing up and down with excitement. Pulsing with virility and life.
I guess to recap and reflect on this epic post I have to admit my recent epiphanies. I made a bold statement in my Facebook post which was "everything you believe to be true is probably wrong, or something like that. Not to get overly religious but over the past year I had to go back and yet again re examine my beliefs in light of my cosmic meltdown and consciousness shift of Fall 2018. If you don't know about it, good, I am not going to recount. Let's just say I had a major life crisis last year that almost put me in the grave. That experience re ignited my desire to "get to the bottom of all this". Not so much get to the bottom of the mysteries of life but to get to the bottom of me. What I have realized is that I am ok. Despite sitting in my room reading Twitter watching the world burn down around me... I am ok. I had to realize that God, Nature, the Universe, the One over all, the Good, whatever you want to call it is so expensive, superior, and complex I will never know it. Or at least I will never know it as long as I am bound by this corporal existence in time and space. After beating my head up against that theological brick wall for 30 years, I had to let it go. I realized that my views, as broad as they have become, were still too restrictive to find clarity. This website has always represented, at least to me, an expression of "where I am at with it all". As you can see if you have been paying attention I have not tired, I have not slowed down, I have not given up, and don't intend to anytime soon. My only fear is that my time is limited and there is still so much to do, to learn, places to go, people to meet, guys to experience and teach. I feel like I am in a race, a game, to get things done. I am more motivated today than ever before to follow though to accomplish my purpose. Even if I was granted another thousand years to walk this earth I still would not have enough time to do all the things I want. So I am going to start with one day at a time. Do you want to come along with me? Let's do this.
Erectile dysfunction may predict strokes and heart attacks according to CNN
Hi Guys! This morning I woke to find this article sitting on the front page off CNN's website. "Erectile dysfunction may predict strokes and heart attacks"
"A takeaway from a meta-analysis of studies on more than 150,000 men published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Compared to men without symptoms of impotence, the analysis found men with ED have a 59% higher risk of coronary heart disease or atherosclerosis, a 37% higher risk of stroke and a 33% higher risk of dying from any cause."
That's a wake up call that a lot of men miss. I have been stressing for years, along with other sex educators, that signs of erectile function show serous signs of underlying health problems. What to do? Taking viagra is not the answer. The answer is diet, exercise, Yoga, self care, listening to the body, regular masturbation practice. There are other important health benefits to ejaculating regularly which is a healthy prostate and urogenital system.
It's time to sign up for my men's sexual fitness program. I am going to be releasing videos this week on how to navigate your diet and exercise through the holiday season. Come along. - Philip
