Prince's passing coincided with my own brush with death and almost losing Buster. My world is very small and my animals are a big part of that world. I will not be sharing the intimate details about what has occurred over the month. All I can say is that April 2016 has been one of the worst months of my life. Or more appropriately one of the most challenging. I have to rank it as high as the month I lost my grandmother, the month I was disfellowshipped from being a Jehovah's Witness, the month I was sent to jail for a DUI, and the day I got my divorce. There have been plenty of other days of loss, near death experiences, and such but I would have to put this month in the top five.
Prince's life and music mean more to me than just casual awe and respect. To be honest I wouldn't call myself a "fan". Prince ruled my childhood. And the image of Prince totally shaped my taste at the age of 11. I was growing up queer, pansexual, gender non confirming being oppressed, repressed, and suppressed by a Jehovah’s Witness household that I can’t even describe to you. I saw Prince perform at the MTV music awards at my grandmother's house, the only place I could watch MTV, and I remember it crystal clear. I was mesmerized. I didn't know what species of human or animal he was, but I knew I was the same "kind". He was something very different than what I saw around me on a daily basis. From his hair to his high heels. His ass out lace body suit, his dance moves, and the way he wailed on his guitar put me into another universe. One where horny unicorns exist humping each other all day and dancing to pop music. He was the embodiment of my "kind". I still don’t know what that "kind" is but I just embrace it. That fem hyper sexual glamorous funky faerie energy enamated from him right into my soul. From that day on his music has been the soundtrack to my life. Prince gave me permission to become what you see before you.
I was a very hyper sexual child also and all that child needed was to obtain a copy of Diamonds and Pearls to self actualize. To let the animal out of the closet so to speak. I already had dance training, a lot of life experience, and I had a natural gift. But I needed the 12' remix to dance to it. That album and the Batman album provided everything I needed to rock out with my cock out. I cut the butt cheeks out of several of my dance tights and hid them. I would put them on when I was alone in my dance room, the room over our garage, and pretend I was the purple one. Actually I didn't want to be Prince, I wanted to be his back up dancer. Like the guys in thongs humping each other at the MTV music awards. My fetish for thongs, make up, and heels was born. My grandmother, god rest her soul, was the only person who witnessed this transformation. That's about the same time I became obsessed with male strippers. It all makes sense to me now. We all imitate what we love and admire. I loved and admired Prince for his music, style, and his raw sexuality. And that's what I admire in all my favorite artists, the same bite.
I don’t know anything about Prince’s personal life. None of us do. He was very private and secretive. An enigma. He seemed to keep a very close tight circle of friends. The people who were allowed into that circle deem it as sacred, special, and treat it with the utmost respect and privacy. And it’s ironic that as I was exiting the religion Prince entered it. And I have nothing to say about his affiliation with the Witnesses. It seems to me he had a deep faith in God and Jesus Christ. I will honor that and him. He didn't give a fuck. Not two fucks about anything people said or did. Prince lived in his "world" and he made music. Lot's of music I hope we all get to hear one day. He was a true artist and he taught me to hold on to my integrity as an artist also. As an entertainer I strive to perform authentically in that same spirit.
What I have learned in the past month, and by Prince's passing, is how impending death can be. I felt shaken to my soul. I felt fear, anxiety, dread, and horror. It was like being in a ten day panic attack that didn't end. And I didn't handle it very well. Since Prince passed I have not been able to put my feelings into words. I have cried a lot and I don't cry. I feel like a lot of emotions, personal problems, and obstacles are being purged in the most direct way. I have gained gratitude for two things right now: Being my own boss and having freedom. As I struggle to emerge from the black hole I have been in I have gained some insight into my own karmic patterns. Where I have been stuck. I'm 35 now and I need to come up with a plan man. I know I can't continue to keep walking around in circles. I'm taking my business serious and my immediate/future needs.
When I drive to my new pole studio everyday I get to pass by the one I used to work for. Three years of my life I spent there grooming students and training instructors. It was my home for a while. And that was a huge loss. I lost a friend and I lost a small tribe I co created. Now I have made my own little tent to hide in for a while. A cute little space to teach pole and pull together plans for my life. I'm starting a new tribe. All I know is the older I get the harder and harder it is to start over from scratch. This blog post is short and probably doesn't make a lot of sense. Like I said I have not had the ability to put into words what I have been feeling.
Prince is and always will be my hero. He gave me permission to be fem. To act dirty. To be spiritual in a way most people do not understand. I'm fine with it. His death opened me up to another way of seeing my life. I started praying to God again.