There is no doubt about it. Easton Mountain has changed me. Yet once again I feel that my true self has expressed itself in a way I wasn't expecting. There is a T-Shirt that we sell here and it says, "Hear the boy within you laugh once again." That was a quote by Jonathan Comisar. When I arrived here three years ago the boy inside of me was crying hysterically. He was hurt, sad, and abused. I have spoken publicly many times about my childhood, or lack there of, and trauma I suffered. And I am not alone. Henry David Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quite desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." I agree. And we all know that the society we live in is fucked up. Even though I can not personally take on society as a whole or change the world, I know I can change myself and effect the lives of others I come into contact with. It's a chain reaction. And living here at Easton and hanging around the Faeries has altered how I feel about how I am experiencing my life today. It also sheds light and insight into my childhood. In some way it is liberating, and on the other hand gut wrenchingly painful. So I guess to set this whole post up I want to tell you about me as a little boy.
I was an effeminate boy. When I was young I had no interest in G.I. Joe. I begged my grand mother for My Little Pony and Jem dolls. She bought me the ranch for the ponies to live in and almost all the dolls. I would go to my room and play with the girls dressing them up in each other's clothing... loving the heels, stockings, and the really cool Femme like Kiss make up they all wore. I would sit and try on my aunt's jewelry and wish my ears were pierced. Now I did also have He-Man toys and Silver Hawks. I had the original Justice League. So I had a variety of toys. I have always been a blue jeans kind of boy. Sloppy shirt and kicks. So anyways... I always choose to play with the girls on my block. And for some reason growing up prior to puberty I was constantly asked by other children if I was a boy or a girl. Other adults would also ask my parents what my gender was when they thought I wasn't listening. I have an embarrassing story to share. When I was 8 my grandmother had to make me a costume for one of the dance routines I was in for my recital. Since there were no matching boy costumes in the catalog my dance teacher gave her one of the girls and sent her home to design mine. Well in the middle of the night I snuck out of my room and found the girl costume and tried it on. I remember it vividly. It was a lycra shinny hot pink leotard covered in pink fringe. Wow I am choked up now. I have never told a soul that I did that, until now. I'm embarrassed because I think I stretched out the costume and was deathly afraid they would know what I did. And to this day I don't know if my grandmother knew or not.
When I became a teen I started getting into fashion. I had a drawing pad and color pencils. So at night I would "design" dresses. Elaborate gowns for women that prompted my grand mother to tell me I should grow up to be a designer. I had my parents buy me all the fashion mags and I kept track of everything that was trending. I was always in style, now not so much. Now I rock the dirty hippie faerie look. I was still very effeminate and the divide between me and all the other boys was obvious. So instead of being asked if I was a boy or a girl the question became... "Are you Gay?" I would respond no because I didn't feel gay. I felt effeminate though and I could not tell the difference. I had same sex attractions but I never had any intention on having sex with a man. In all this confusion life was very sordid. And I am still trying to get a better perspective on all that.
Change really came when I went to the Kirov Academy. The dance teacher who I was assigned under was a man's man. And he was mean. Volatile even. And my femininity came under attack. Suddenly I was being screamed at to "act like a man". All my mannerisms became scrutinized. And the other boys there were hyper sexed and hyper masculine. They were being pumped to be so. Boys acted like boys and girls were girls. I felt like my life was caving in on me. That's when I met Casey, my best friend in high school. He was into the cure and Marilyn Manson. All the gender bending hard rock music. So we wore eye liner and black nail polish. When it wasn't black it was a light green glossy type with green glitter in it. That was my fav. That kind of play dress up held me over through High School.
After my partner and I came out of the closet (I'm fast forwarding for the sake of time) I had a melt down. That's when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ended up in the hospital. I had started to play with dressing in drag and he hated it. But I asked him to bring me my wig and make up to play with while I was in there. He did. He didn't like my drag at all and told me it wasn't attractive. That did not deter me from becoming a full blown Queen. My name was/is Katrina Kanturner Douglas and girl I was fabulous. I enjoyed that time in my life but being with Josh at the same time sucked. It was just the wrong time to be together. We were so reactive to each other all the time and fought over so much bull shit. I'm not performing anymore but I did enjoy that phase of my coming out process. Now for the juicy stuff.
I was asked by a transman at "Bear Your Soul" this summer if I was also Trans. It was the first time the gender question had been brought up since I was a child. I said, "Oh! Actually I am just a dude." And we laughed it off. But he told me that I was "pretty", "soft", and I gave off a trans vibe. I thought it was sweet actually and I was impressed with myself. For the first time in my life I felt honored to be asked that question. A real transgendered person identified with my femme qualities for a moment recognizing me as something different and special. This is just an aside but out of all the comments I ever got on my porn videos on XTube the one that never left me was some guy who said I had an ass like a woman's. Which leads me to my declaration and my point.
I am Gender Non-Conforming. I am feminine. I am effeminate. I am a soft. I do not wish to conform to any gender stereotypes. That's not my sexual orientation. That's my gender identity. I love my maleness, but I also love my femininity. And that is good. That is great. That is empowering. At this point in the article I have to say being a man that is feminine is not ok in our society. Because being female is not ok ether. Or being empowered as female. Equal pay, the right to choose, planned parenthood, rape, violence, discrimination... this is about misogyny. And that we still live in a patriarchal society that does not want to honor the female as one with and equal with man. And I feel fear. I am afraid. That if I allow myself to act and behave the way that I gravitate to that I will suffer the consequences. I will be discriminated against. If I wear a skirt, or nail polish, or glitter, or anything else that expresses my female-ness I will be attacked. And all at one time it hit me... and I understood what all my female friends mean when they talk about these things. But from a deeper place. Not from just feeling gay. But from really feeling like a femme. I love women and I love having sex with women. I like being girly. I finally have made peace with myself as being an effeminate man. And I have been lucky to have female partners who actually embrace me for who I am. So all the charades fall down. And I stand here in front of you naked and in a pair of heels telling you that I am reclaiming my femininity with all the other femmes across the globe. With all the faeries. Is it any wonder why I became a pole dancer? And it's ok. So I say... Let our boys be feminine.